I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Vodka?
Forever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
