when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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