Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
