My friends, they love my intelligence
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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