I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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