your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
