I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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