So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
