woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
