it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize