I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did I show you my penis last night?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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