How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Four minutes until I can fart!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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