Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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