so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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