i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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