you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
