I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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