First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to make out with him forever
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
