Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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