I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
