I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
