i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
