Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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