I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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