im drinking this country out of the recession.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
