Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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