The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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