while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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