Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
