Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
