he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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