Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
