Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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