I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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