This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
