He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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