I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
