I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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