I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
