broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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