Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
