if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
