I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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