She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
