I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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