At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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