where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
