Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
