totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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