He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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