This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
