True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
