my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
