Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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