i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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