it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
