So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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