we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
