This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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