i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
