dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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